Poor Phraser

DON’T TAKE LIFE TOO LITERALLY

She said

Write me a letter

I drew her

an R

This could be about you

NRA logic

The way to protect kids from guns is to put armed guards in every school.

The way to save kids from obesity is to put a McDonalds in every school.

The way to stop kids from losing their virginity is to put live sex shows in every school.

The way to protect kids from alcohol is to put bars in every school.

This ain’t a poem.
There ain’t no poetry in dumbfuckery.

Hey, you, Religion!

Teach me not to hate

not what to hate
 

Teach me how to love

not who to love

SWEET

Is there a moment more amusing?

Could anything lift our hearts

as high with delight

and a slight edge of spite

when a pretty girl loudly farts?

SILENT LOVE

You’re just waiting for the right time, you say

before you make your move, and it won’t be today

because you’re waiting for a signal, a gesture, a sign

that tells you implicitly ‘I want you to be mine’

And it isn’t there yet, but you’re working it well

and you’re making progress slowly, surely, you can tell

because they now know your name and you get to hang out

and you’re considered ‘a friend’ and you’re always about

to go in for the kiss or tell them how you feel

but you pull back with fear (the time’s not right still)

so you’re having a party and they’ll come for a visit

and you’ve dressed up real fine, and tonight this is it

you’re not going to back out, you’re gonna go for it

but they come with someone else, and you have to ignore it

and you’ll wait patiently for this new romance to end

you’ll be the shoulder to cry on because you’re ‘a good friend’

but the desire for them never dwindles, it lingers

you want the taste of them on your tongue and your fingers

and the weeks wander by, and you feel quite distressed

deciphering every text for that sign, you’re obsessed,

and sometimes signs are there, and other times it is clear

that now you two are close you are still no where near

to making your move until you are certain

there’s no fear of rejection, you’re scared of being hurt and

that’s why for the right time you’ll always be waiting

and times hanging out won’t get promoted to dating

because in matters of the heart, you have to be brave

or you’ll take that silent love straight into the grave

GIF ME MORE

We’re stuck in a pattern

you and I

repeating the same emotional frames

over and over

And it was funny at first

It was fresh, it was new

I have to admit that I was amused

by our sequence of sex, now it’s awkward, sex, now it’s awkward, sex, now it’s awkward

sex, now it’s… you get the picture

We always knew what was coming

it was cosily familiar

and familiar became comforting

but now it’s getting boring

it’s time to move on

to scroll down

to lengthen our love story into something worthy of Vimeo

because if we don’t

if this so-called romance of ours just stays repeated

I’m afraid it’s time to edit page and you’ll be deleted

MORNING RULES

Wake me early
Find me surly

Let me sleep in
With no beeping

To feel greater
Rouse me later

And bring tea cup
Then I’ll get up

Nomenclateral thinking

Charlotte Church is the christian Shirley Temple. 

Gary Numan is the replacement Gary Oldman. 

Mel C is the smaller Billy Ocean.

Chris Rock is the bigger Joss Stone. 

Kate Bush is the fuller Robert Plant.

Keira Knightley is the darker Tess Daly.

Keith Lemon is the sharper Jason Orange.

Kevin Bacon is the tastier Albert Broccoli.

Fearne Cotton is the Primark Kilroy-Silk.

Nathan Lane is the wider Kirsty Alley. 

Nick Park is the municipal Graeme Garden.

Richard Hell is the horrible Anthony Eden.

Fern Britton is the larger Kathy Ireland.

Jennifer Grey is the lighter Cilla Black. 

Roger Moore is the lesser Mickie Most. 

Heather Nova is the brighter Ringo Starr.

Sadie Frost is the early Jon Snow                 (schadenfreudig)

Bettie Page, Jimmy Page and Elaine Paige are turned in Sorrell Booke  (spookyunshod) 

Dawn French is the more passionate Gregory Peck.

Tom Cruise is the wandering Neil Gaiman.

Lots of British celebrity names here, but the word game is clear. Can you think of any more? 

I NEED YOU

I need you

I need you now

I need you with me

I need you to hug me

I need you to tongue me

I need you to make love to me

I need you to need me like I need you

I need you with me for the rest of my life

I need you like I have never needed anyone before

I need you to think about us, not just think about you

I need you to change for us to stay perfectly happy

I need you to listen to me for a bloody change

I need you to get out of the way of the TV

I need you to stop moving my things

I need you to give me some space

I need you to stop nagging

I need you to apologize

I need you to shut up

I need you to leave

I needed you

 

NEW MUM ON FACEBOOK

Her profile pic has changed a lot

from a vibrant young woman to a sleeping tot
 

And as for updates: her only news

is that her baby often poos
 

Every first gurgle and smile is described

(that’s why I’ve quietly unsubscribed)
 

PIGEON PEOPLE

Beware of pigeon people

who spend their time

shitting on everything

you love