Poor Phraser
—What's your beef?
WHAT’S YOUR BEEF? recited by POOR PHRASER
What’s your beef?
What’s your beef?
so your beef
is actually horse
Your main course
has a mane
is that worse
than what you know
is in mince?
all the eyelids
and ears
facemeat and beast feet
don’t bring you to tears?
but noshing
on nags
just the thought gets you hot
champing
on an ex-champ
who ran at Ascot
is wrong you declare
but, really, is it?
If you liked the taste
why now chomp at the bit?
In ignorance you ate it
in burgers and buns
and cheap ready meals
that gave you the runs
Did you think
this is prime cut?
For 99p?
And it’s called Super Value?
Are you that naive?
So the cow that you chow
turns out to be pony
This cheap meat you eat
has made you all moany
‘Something must be done!’
I agree, so
what do you say?
Next time you want
PROCESSED meat
Stop
Think
and say ‘Nay’
Have a nice bit of Quorn instead.
14 is the loneliest number
Her valentine plans?
She has none
Her valentine meal?
It’s for one
Her valentine crush?
Gone missing
Her valentine gift?
No kissing
Her valentine card?
Unposted
She’ll find the day hard
unaccosted
this one day a year
she’s reminded
love for her isn’t blind
it is blinded
Touché
As my wife gave me a coffee in my favourite cup,
then returned to finish off all the washing up
wiping pots and pans made messy
from the cooking she has done
I pondered on my future
and her situation
As she came back in from the recycling bin
and got the kids undressed
I ambled over to her side to put her mind at rest
“Sweet honeypie, when I die, I shall leave everything to you”
She looked up from her ironing
saying ’You already do’
Green Wellies
—Acapella Dogtanian theme tune
Falsetto silliness. The song is the theme tune to the 80s cartoon ‘Dogtanian & The Three Muskehounds’
Oh, DD
I may sing
about how your breasts
are amazing
I’ll articulate
thoughts on how your tits
are too cool/great
I shall announce
the delight of seeing your boobs bounce
I’ll express
their firmness, softness, sexiness
I must declare
the bliss at seeing your chest bare
I might mention
my joy when your nipples
stand to attention
I could discourse and spout
the sublimity of seeing
your tits out
And sermonise
the perfection of their shape and size
But I confess
instead of professing
I’d rather spend the time kissing and caressing
Acrostic playlist; a poem in a playlist. Spell out the artist’s name with their own music. Click pic to listen.
Drive-in Saturday
Ashes to ashes
V-2 Schneider
In the heat of the morning
DJ
Red Sails
Oh! You pretty things
Boys keep swinging
Everyone says ‘Hi’
Repetition
Teenage wildlife
John, I’m only dancing again
Outside
New killer star
Eight line poem
Sound and vision
(Source: Spotify)
8 JANUARY 2013 - DAVID BOWIE DAY
We thought those days were dead and burned;
No more life in these rock star bones.
There’s many happy you returned
David Robert Jones
We thought you’d left us on our own
to pick through dirt and mould and rust
your rebirth proves we’re not alone
Welcome back, Stardust
You find us in a fractious state
Mickey Mouse did grow up a cow
We lack direction, can’t think straight
So, Where Are We Now
Could you inform us? Will you say?
You’re still the most elusive man
Now we can’t wait for The Next Day
The album, not 9 Jan.
This could be about you
Reading your blog
gives me such a rush
You’re my Tumblr Crush
.
Your words soothe me
like yoghurt on Thrush
You’re my Tumblr Crush
.
I don’t mean to shame you
witn my fanboy gush
But you’re my Tumblr Crush
.
Just your profile pic
makes my cheeks blush
You’re my Tumblr Crush
.
Your posts light up my life
like a flashlight on glitter
Should I also follow on Twitter?
If you open a present tomorrow and find you have a Kindle, do yourself a favour and make this one of your first downloads.
You will be guaranteed a smirk, a raised eyebrow, a nod of recognition and plenty of amusing snorting.
Search ‘Poor Phraser’ on Amazon to see more…
NRA logic
The way to protect kids from guns is to put armed guards in every school.
The way to save kids from obesity is to put a McDonalds in every school.
The way to stop kids from losing their virginity is to put live sex shows in every school.
The way to protect kids from alcohol is to put bars in every school.
This ain’t a poem.
There ain’t no poetry in dumbfuckery.
SWEET
Is there a moment more amusing?
Could anything lift our hearts
as high with delight
and a slight edge of spite
when a pretty girl loudly farts?
