February 2012
10 posts
3 tags
No Alanis, this is ironic
The very definition
of irony
is a waiting list for people
with A.D.D.
3 tags
Like this
They’re like totally alike in what they like
like they’re always Liking each other’s posts and stuff
and it’s like soooo obvious they like each other
so I was all like Do you like Luke?
and she was like Yeah, he’s lush
and I’m like, Like really?
and she was like, Yeah, like
so I was like, Does Luke like you?
and she was like, Yeah, it’s like...
5 tags
SPOKE
If cycling
makes you feel
like a child
.
does that make you
a pedalphile?
3 tags
Fall in lust with me
You’re so beautiful
I cannot take my eyes off you
You’re so wonderful
You haven’t any faults
You don’t notice me
Well, not in the way that I want you to
You’d never go for me…or would you?
Could you please be the one that I next sleep with?
Could you please be the one that I next have sex with?
Oh, don’t worry
I don’t want romance or love
Just to wake up next to you would be enough
...
2 tags
WRY BRED
A slice of wit
sandwiched between
two cuts of dry
sarcasm
is all the
sustenance
one needs,
not everybody
has ‘em
.
A droll heat
germinates
the seed
ironic yeast then rises
And truth appears
upon the crust
to show what
dumb and wise is
.
Man cannot live
by bread alone
he needs a brain
to butter
or else he’ll
swallow all the lies
the politicians utter
.
...
3 tags
PROMISE/QUEUE/ARSE
I crave to instigate
a sexual encounter
or a romantic tryst
without the usual precursor
of getting totally pissed
Cos I’m tired
of going to bed with a fox
and waking up with a dog
Finding my Helen of Troy
is actually Helen of Trog
And feeling
such sickening
self digust
and inadequate guilt
As I stare at this monster
lying under my quilt
I wish the morning after
didn’t mean lust...
6 tags
Catch-all word
The English language that we love has adjectives aplenty
So why use just one word when you can choose from over twenty?
Don’t use a mere McDonalds word to exercise expedience
but find the right bon mot from a multitude of word ingredients
So if something should catch your eye and inspire you to mutter
here’s a few suggestions for expressions you could utter…
It’s alarming,
it’s...
5 tags
VALENTINE FOR NEWLYWEDS
I’ve no wish to whine
on this Saint Valentine
but this year I’m unclear how to make it go fine
It’s got me quite bothered
I’ve no bases covered
As this year, my dear, we’re significantly othered
Our change in relations
has caused me vexations
as to whether I do continue machinations
of the sort that’s expected
Should I act affected
and pose as a suitor keen to be selected?
...
3 tags
Rude food
Her talk of sex at dinner was ill-judged but not obscene
‘Men who make me cum are few and far between’
she innocently announced, as the hostess served the starters
The guests all looked aghast as if she’d burned some Christian martyrs
Except for one, a fine young man, who tapped her with his fingers
and whispered ‘For dessert, then, you must try my cunnilingus’
5 tags
January 2012
8 posts
6 tags
Lessons in language
It is figuratively raining cats and dogs.
Not literally.
Daschunds aren’t dropping from the skies.
Kittens aren’t bouncing off umbrellas.
It is figuratively raining cats and dogs.
Not literally.
.
And we are figuratively on the same page.
Not literally.
We may be in agreement, but our bodies are not entwined
balancing precariously on a single sheet of paper
ripped from any book or magazine or...
5 tags
DOCTOR QUACK
He only ever prescribes amphetamine
he says it’s for a speedy recovery
4 tags
BEFORE BLOGS
Before blogs
sensitive teens
wrote anguished
poetry
into diaries
.
words of
souls laid bare
diatribes of
unrequited love
odes to loneliness
and missives
dismissive of
teachers and parents and friends
and friends who were no longer friends
.
these sensitive teens
would fantasize
how they would soon die
and their diaries
and poetry
would be discovered
and their genius...
5 tags
Ask me, I won't say No, how could I?
You ask me if I hate my job and I say YES
I ask if you hate yours and you say NO
You ask me if I’m stressed and I say YES
I ask if you have trouble sleeping, you say NO
You ask me if I would end my life and I say YES
I ask if you’ve ever been depressed, you say NO
You ask me if I feel inadequate and I say YES
I ask if you ever feel frustrated, you say NO
You ask me if...
5 tags
Yes!
I could have been a magistrate
with a nose for sniffing purgery
I could have been a surgeon
experienced in keyhole surgery
I could have been a doctor
with a keen skill at prognosis
I could have been a chemist
telling nurses what each dose is
I could have been a scientist
and found the cure for cancer
I could have been, but I am not
I took no for an answer
.
I could have been an...
5 tags
Sherlock - A scandal in Belgravia (synopsis)
I knew you knew that I knew you knew
So I knew I had to know how you knew
So now I know and you know it too
You know me as well as I now know you
2 tags
ms sms
She was texting
as she was being chastised
for inappropriate texting
She was sms-ing
as she lay trapped in a car crash
caused by sms-ing
She was tweeting
when her life slipped by
all too fleeting
Her thumb stopped moving
Her tongue lolled out
OMG
And at the funeral
the minute’s silence
was constantly interrupted
by the beep of a new message
It’s what she would have wanted
;-p
3 tags
2012 - It's not the end of the world
As we delve into
twenty twelve we do
hope and pray
what the Mayans say
was just simply wrong
and the Earth has long
er
than Decemb
er
the twenty-first
before it
shrivels up
or bursts
December 2011
11 posts
5 tags
Women are like cigarettes
Women are like cigarettes
You take one out.
And when you first put it to your lips
It makes you short of breath and a little giddy.
Women are like cigarettes
You should be over 16 to enjoy them.
Some are too strong for you.
French ones give you a headache.
Rich men can afford expensive thin ones.
Women are like cigarettes
Some men never go anywhere without theirs.
Some men share...
4 tags
King of Cunnilingus
I’m the king of cunnilingus.
I’m Lawrence of a labia.
I’m an invitation card – do you want to come?
.
I’m a shower head in human form.
An avid reader of clitorature.
The girls call me Santa Jaws
Cos every day is Christmas day
You won’t come once a year.
.
I’m like the band on the Titanic
No matter how wet it gets
I keep on playing
And like any good shipwreck
When I ‘ve gone down...
4 tags
Home Truth
Your love
for me
is like
the house
in which
I spent
so many
happy
days
as a
child.
.
Semi
detached.
4 tags
I'M NOT A REAL MAN COS I DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL
I always sniff the milk to see if it is sour
I know where to get a drink when it’s After Hours
And I’ve got a girl to like me just by giving her flowers
But I’m not a real man cos I don’t like football
.
I can undo a bra with only one hand
If a lady needs my seat then I’m happy to stand
If I pull a fluke shot at pool I pretend it was planned
But I’m not a real man cos I don’t like...
3 tags
HERESY
Sometimes
I think
that
a lot
of modern
poetry
is just
a normal
sentence
laid out
funny.
5 tags
I'M SO DEEP
I’m so deep - I sms subtexts.
I’m so deep - my resumé is an allegory.
I’m so deep – I’ve got a squint from reading between the lines
.
I’m so deep – I drink mulled over wine
I’m so deep – my favourite rock band is Muse,
I’m so deep – despite not being tall, I’m always above everyone’s head
.
I’m so deep – I can unknot string theory
I’m so deep – I can crush arguments with my strength of mind
I’m...
8 tags
A WARNING TO IMMATURE BOYFRIENDS
Tom Burton-Jones would fart in bed
and waft it in his girlfriend’s face
he’d laugh to see her eyes turn red
but this prank is out of place
It’s wrong to make one’s lover cough
when she is trying to nod off
.
Tom Burton-Jones would fart in bed
a most unfriendly thing to do
To cause one’s paramour to dread
a night attack of gaseous poo
It shows a simple lack of grace
His girlfriend...
6 tags
Doris
The pain doesn’t hurt now
No more pills to swallow
No hospital visits or treatments to follow
The nurses aren’t needed
Sleep is uninterrupted
The cells in her body are no longer corrupted
No more surgery, no more fuss
No more physical decline
She is free of her misery
but I’m not free of mine.
The worry is over, though
The stress at her state
As she weakens by the week in a bed,...
7 tags
MODERN SHITERATURE
Save us from the deluge of D list celebrities
haunting us with ghost-hacked autobiographies
In a throwaway society, it’s still the last thing we need:
Books by people who don’t write, for people who don’t read
8 tags
SANTA HATES ME FOR BEING SO POOR
Santa hates me for being so poor
I know for a fact he gives rich kids more
All the things on their lists he manages to get
But he’s never brought me one thing on mine yet
.
He does bring me gifts, it’s not like he forgets
But he ignores my choices because we have debts
If I want something dear he seems to have an aversion
to bringing me it - I get a cheaper version
.
Santa hates me...
7 tags
NINE WORD LOVE STORY
Pitter patter
went my heart.
Didn’t matter;
we’re apart.
November 2011
9 posts
6 tags
Sex objection
You see all women as sex objects, she protested.
He, hoping to offer her catharsis
and set her mind at rest, said
‘No, just the ones with nice tits and arses’
Anonymous asked: Did you really make the zoo keeper video? It made me laugh!
7 tags
IF I FOLLOW YOU, THIS COULD BE ABOUT YOU
Reading your blog
gives me such a rush
You’re my Tumblr Crush
.
I don’t mean to shame you
witn my fanboy gush
But you’re my Tumblr Crush
.
Your words soothe me
like yoghurt on thrush
You’re my Tumblr Crush
.
Just your profile pic
makes my cheeks blush
You’re my Tumblr Crush
.
Your posts light up my life
like a flashlight on glitter
Should I also...
6 tags
Intercourse
May I tickle your brain?
May I flirt with your thoughts?
May I think you into bed?
May I turn on your mind?
Get cerebral on your ass?
May I give you damn good head?
6 tags
In the land of fools
I’d hate to be someone like you
Who lacks the facts, who has no clue
but is convinced they really do
.
I hate the way you can’t argue
You poo-poo proof, reject all truth
that can’t fit in your small world view
.
Your ignorance is bliss, it’s true
You feel no shame and can’t be blamed
when knowledge is unknown to you
.
Because your views are not thought...
10 tags
5 tags
Old joke haiku
‘Call me a taxi’
he said, so I answered him
‘you are a taxi’
5 tags
INCONSTANT FEAR
When things are going well
she truly loves him forever
but when they argue, as they will,
she laments they are together
October 2011
4 posts
5 tags
4 tags
CompliCATe
I looked up
the word
cat
in the dictionary
.
A carnivorous mammal
Felis catus
domesticated
rectractile claws
.
I read it again
.
A carnivorous mammal
Felis catus
domesticated
rectractile claws
.
I read it a third time
.
A carnivorous mammal
Felis catus
domesticated
rectractile claws
.
I closed the book
feeling thankful
that I already knew
what a cat was
.
When we...
6 tags
Red Amber Green
My hand, her thigh
she says that’s not on
Three kisses more
the ban’s forgotten
8 tags
AMORE MORE MORE
When we first met
at the very start
I made you a gift
of my beating heart
.
I gave you attention
and all my spare time
When you lost your esteem
I handed you mine
.
As for compliments
You have never gone short
And so many presents
some homemade, some shop bought
.
I made you the purpose
of my very living
All our days spent together
I have never stopped giving
.
And on that...
September 2011
6 posts
4 tags
britrockgods
Bernard Butler
Johnny Marr
I like the way
they play guitar
I like the way
their music rocks on
Let’s not forget
dear Graham Coxon
Every track they wrote
has been good
Oh, another
Jonny Greenwood
If these names
give you po-faces
You’re probably fans
of that Oasis.
9 tags
INFLATING FIGURES
It’s dreadful news!
It’s devastating!
Obesity
is escalating!
.
Of course it is
(let’s not split hairs)
It’s far too fat
to take the stairs
2 tags
Wish I wrote it: Ogden Nash
THE COW
The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other, milk.
4 tags
SEND YOUR ANSWERS ON A POSTCARD
Is someone who snipes and whines and belittles every move a government makes
more politically aware than
someone who doesn’t get angry with every news bulletin?
Is someone who questions their government’s actions
and speaks out for what they believe in
less patriotic than someone who blindly follows a flag?
Is someone who reels off names of obscure authors
a greater...
5 tags
PROPOSAL
To make a word plural,
you just add an ‘s’.
.
To make us a plural,
you just add a ‘yes’
August 2011
4 posts
9 tags
YOUR POEM ON MY DASHBOARD MAKES ME THINK OF OSCAR...
Your poem on my dashboard makes me think of Oscar Wilde
Not in his sense of talent, but a quote he once compiled
Re: “All bad poetry springs from genuine emotion”
Do you know it? He deserves your absolute devotion
Keep him by your bedside when you feel the need to write
about the lover who has left you in a style banal and trite
Refer to him straight after you have written down with zeal
...
8 tags
FIGHTING TALK
It’s idiotic and quite classless
to hit a man with glasses,
for have they no real effect
and your specs will end up wrecked.
I recommend instead you use
a baseball bat to cause the bruise.
8 tags
Free speech
I do not agree
with what
you say
but I will
defend
to the death
your right
to say it
.
did I say death?
.
I actually meant
I would sign
an e-petition
and post the link
on facebook