May 2012
11 posts
5 tags
WHAT TO DO?
So shall he
go out and prosper socially?
Or will he
stay home and play with his willy?
4 tags
TWIN EMOTIONS
As she holds her sister’s baby
for the first time in her arms
the pride she feels
fragilely reveals
the wish it had been she
6 tags
UNDER MY SKIN
I don’t need
a tattoo
I’ve got you
always with me
fading slowly
with the years
what was once
so sharp and
beautiful
turning dull
and indistinct
I don’t need
a tattoo
I’ve got you
When you were new
I was proud
to show you off
but now
you’ve been
with me
so long
I no longer
notice you
but others do
they see you
on my arm
so deep into...
3 tags
THAT ONE GUY
Inspired by something Mike Frawley said:
He’s the bad influence in your life
who gets in the way of you doing right
You constantly ask ‘man, what was he thinking?’
when you see the state that he gets in from drinking
When he throws up, you know it’s you who cleans it
He’ll give you his word, but you know it means shit
That dude will screw you over in the end
...
7 tags
MAKE HAYFEVER WHILE THE SUN SHINES
The sun is shining
The birds are singing
The flowers are blooming
So my eyes are stinging
My nose is running
I look like I’ve cried
I think that next year
I’ll spend summer inside
4 tags
Dementia
The disease is affecting his br in
Mem ries disap ear, dropping like w ter thr ugh a sieve
nev r to r turn
The names associ ted wi h faces
Fac s ass ci ted wit family
And wi hout fam ly
he s alone
lock d in his m nd
a dis ntegra ing m d
u t l n th ng ak s
s se ny re
4 tags
Learn to relax
walk on the cracks
don’t fear the axe
don’t watch your backs
don’t bitch on tax
as life impacts
accept the whacks
when pain attacks
don’t binge on snacks
if talent lacks
ignore the facts
dry tear-stained tracks
put hate in sacks
no whites v. blacks
and love friends to the max
4 tags
THEY TUCK YOU UP, YOUR MUM AND DAD
oi mum, if you loved me
you’d buy me more sweeties, I’m the one kid in class
who ain’t got diabetes
how much do you care, mum?
the answer’s not very, I’m the sole kid in class
without a Blackberry
you hate me and make me
a social pariah, the last kid who’s not seen
the box set of The Wire
you embarrass me so
put yourself in my place, look how people giggle
...
3 tags
SADMIRER
I wish
I had a photograph of you
naked
will you send me one?
or must I again
climb that tree
outside your room
and wait
with flash off.
4 tags
LACKLIST
Of all the things I hate
the top thing on my list
is chocolate-scented orgasms
because they don’t exist
And in a similar vein
there’s no place in my heart
for cakes that make you thin
and beer that makes you smart
5 tags
De Nederlandse Taal
The Dutch language
is phlegmish Flemish
April 2012
5 posts
5 tags
6 tags
Earth Angel
With your face free from make-up I can see your youth
It gives me a sense of pride to see others stare at you.
Your smile isn’t cynical me, it’s like an honest fire
warming my cold personality, eating my guilt.
Your presence is infectious and your sex a summer day,
light and breezy, sweet-smelling and drowsy,
ripened and care-free, making me lusty.
Your body’s soft as pillows and as...
5 tags
UNRETRACTED CLAUSE
Whenever you see
a Missing Cat notice
pinned to a tree
look up
.
check the tree’s branches
for that missing cat’s
skeleton
.
just in case
.
the fire brigade
missed one
6 tags
HOUSE GUEST
I went to the toilet in order to soil it
with excretia from inside my bowels.
The paper was rough, not absorbent enough,
so I wiped myself clean on the towels.
4 tags
BRITISH ACCENT
Arses Arses Arses
who needs poetry classes?
Give me the exams and
my results will all be passes
Stuff your writing exercises
for emotional catharsis
and it won’t be rhyme or meter
that wins me literary prizes
but my constant use of swear words
Arses Arses Arses
March 2012
5 posts
5 tags
Lamerick
A Republican chap called Santorum
during a political forum
set his bigoted sights
to reduce women’s rights
and as for the gays, he’s not for ‘em
4 tags
No more looking down
When
he reached
the pinnacle of
cynical there was
nothing left to sneer at
6 tags
THAT'S NOT YOUR LINE!
Quoting films does not make you funny
So please stop saying ‘Show me the money’
Yes, I am talking to you
No, I don’t want to say hello to your leetle friend
And we don’t need a bigger boat
because
we’re not in a boat
You think you’re amusing as you start a fuss
In the pub by shouting ‘No, I’m Spartacus’
You want others to join in
You say ‘hey, we’re all in this together’
But this...
Life partner
I don’t want anything
to ever come between us
With maybe one exception:
my penis
4 tags
PRIVATE SEE
She won’t show her diary to her mother
and won’t ever let her brother see her nude
She won’t tell her teacher what she’s doing this weekend
And she won’t tell that secret even to her bestest friend
.
She won’t give her name to the policeman
And sitting right up close to her is rude
She won’t invite her neighbours round to finger all her books
And requests to look into her bag are met with...
February 2012
10 posts
3 tags
No Alanis, this is ironic
The very definition
of irony
is a waiting list for people
with A.D.D.
3 tags
Like this
They’re like totally alike in what they like
like they’re always Liking each other’s posts and stuff
and it’s like soooo obvious they like each other
so I was all like Do you like Luke?
and she was like Yeah, he’s lush
and I’m like, Like really?
and she was like, Yeah, like
so I was like, Does Luke like you?
and she was like, Yeah, it’s like...
5 tags
SPOKE
If cycling
makes you feel
like a child
.
does that make you
a pedalphile?
3 tags
Fall in lust with me
You’re so beautiful
I cannot take my eyes off you
You’re so wonderful
You haven’t any faults
You don’t notice me
Well, not in the way that I want you to
You’d never go for me…or would you?
Could you please be the one that I next sleep with?
Could you please be the one that I next have sex with?
Oh, don’t worry
I don’t want romance or love
Just to wake up next to you would be enough
...
2 tags
WRY BRED
A slice of wit
sandwiched between
two cuts of dry
sarcasm
is all the
sustenance
one needs,
not everybody
has ‘em
.
A droll heat
germinates
the seed
ironic yeast then rises
And truth appears
upon the crust
to show what
dumb and wise is
.
Man cannot live
by bread alone
he needs a brain
to butter
or else he’ll
swallow all the lies
the politicians utter
.
...
3 tags
PROMISE/QUEUE/ARSE
I crave to instigate
a sexual encounter
or a romantic tryst
without the usual precursor
of getting totally pissed
Cos I’m tired
of going to bed with a fox
and waking up with a dog
Finding my Helen of Troy
is actually Helen of Trog
And feeling
such sickening
self disgust
and inadequate guilt
As I stare at this monster
lying under my quilt
I wish the morning after
didn’t mean lust...
6 tags
Catch-all word
The English language that we love has adjectives aplenty
So why use just one word when you can choose from over twenty?
Don’t use a mere McDonalds word to exercise expedience
but find the right bon mot from a multitude of word ingredients
So if something should catch your eye and inspire you to mutter
here’s a few suggestions for expressions you could utter…
It’s alarming,
it’s...
5 tags
VALENTINE FOR NEWLYWEDS
I’ve no wish to whine
on this Saint Valentine
but this year I’m unclear how to make it go fine
It’s got me quite bothered
I’ve no bases covered
As this year, my dear, we’re significantly othered
Our change in relations
has caused me vexations
as to whether I do continue machinations
of the sort that’s expected
Should I act affected
and pose as a suitor keen to be selected?
...
3 tags
Rude food
Her talk of sex at dinner was ill-judged but not obscene
‘Men who make me cum are few and far between’
she innocently announced, as the hostess served the starters
The guests all looked aghast as if she’d burned some Christian martyrs
Except for one, a fine young man, who tapped her with his fingers
and whispered ‘For dessert, then, you must try my cunnilingus’
5 tags
January 2012
8 posts
6 tags
Lessons in language
It is figuratively raining cats and dogs.
Not literally.
Daschunds aren’t dropping from the skies.
Kittens aren’t bouncing off umbrellas.
It is figuratively raining cats and dogs.
Not literally.
.
And we are figuratively on the same page.
Not literally.
We may be in agreement, but our bodies are not entwined
balancing precariously on a single sheet of paper
ripped from any book or magazine or...
5 tags
DOCTOR QUACK
He only ever prescribes amphetamine
he says it’s for a speedy recovery
4 tags
BEFORE BLOGS
Before blogs
sensitive teens
wrote anguished
poetry
into diaries
.
words of
souls laid bare
diatribes of
unrequited love
odes to loneliness
and missives
dismissive of
teachers and parents and friends
and friends who were no longer friends
.
these sensitive teens
would fantasize
how they would soon die
and their diaries
and poetry
would be discovered
and their genius...
5 tags
Ask me, I won't say No, how could I?
You ask me if I hate my job and I say YES
I ask if you hate yours and you say NO
You ask me if I’m stressed and I say YES
I ask if you have trouble sleeping, you say NO
You ask me if I would end my life and I say YES
I ask if you’ve ever been depressed, you say NO
You ask me if I feel inadequate and I say YES
I ask if you ever feel frustrated, you say NO
You ask me if...
5 tags
Yes!
I could have been a magistrate
with a nose for sniffing purgery
I could have been a surgeon
experienced in keyhole surgery
I could have been a doctor
with a keen skill at prognosis
I could have been a chemist
telling nurses what each dose is
I could have been a scientist
and found the cure for cancer
I could have been, but I am not
I took no for an answer
.
I could have been an...
5 tags
Sherlock - A scandal in Belgravia (synopsis)
I knew you knew that I knew you knew
So I knew I had to know how you knew
So now I know and you know it too
You know me as well as I now know you
2 tags
ms sms
She was texting
as she was being chastised
for inappropriate texting
She was sms-ing
as she lay trapped in a car crash
caused by sms-ing
She was tweeting
when her life slipped by
all too fleeting
Her thumb stopped moving
Her tongue lolled out
OMG
And at the funeral
the minute’s silence
was constantly interrupted
by the beep of a new message
It’s what she would have wanted
;-p
3 tags
2012 - It's not the end of the world
As we delve into
twenty twelve we do
hope and pray
what the Mayans say
was just simply wrong
and the Earth has long
er
than Decemb
er
the twenty-first
before it
shrivels up
or bursts
December 2011
11 posts
5 tags
Women are like cigarettes
Women are like cigarettes
You take one out.
And when you first put it to your lips
It makes you short of breath and a little giddy.
Women are like cigarettes
You should be over 16 to enjoy them.
Some are too strong for you.
French ones give you a headache.
Rich men can afford expensive thin ones.
Women are like cigarettes
Some men never go anywhere without theirs.
Some men share...
4 tags
King of Cunnilingus
I’m the king of cunnilingus.
I’m Lawrence of a labia.
I’m an invitation card – do you want to come?
.
I’m a shower head in human form.
An avid reader of clitorature.
The girls call me Santa Jaws
Cos every day is Christmas day
You won’t come once a year.
.
I’m like the band on the Titanic
No matter how wet it gets
I keep on playing
And like any good shipwreck
When I ‘ve gone down...
4 tags
Home Truth
Your love
for me
is like
the house
in which
I spent
so many
happy
days
as a
child.
.
Semi
detached.
4 tags
I'M NOT A REAL MAN COS I DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL
I always sniff the milk to see if it is sour
I know where to get a drink when it’s After Hours
And I’ve got a girl to like me just by giving her flowers
But I’m not a real man cos I don’t like football
.
I can undo a bra with only one hand
If a lady needs my seat then I’m happy to stand
If I pull a fluke shot at pool I pretend it was planned
But I’m not a real man cos I don’t like...
3 tags
HERESY
Sometimes
I think
that
a lot
of modern
poetry
is just
a normal
sentence
laid out
funny.
5 tags
I'M SO DEEP
I’m so deep - I sms subtexts.
I’m so deep - my resumé is an allegory.
I’m so deep – I’ve got a squint from reading between the lines
.
I’m so deep – I drink mulled over wine
I’m so deep – my favourite rock band is Muse,
I’m so deep – despite not being tall, I’m always above everyone’s head
.
I’m so deep – I can unknot string theory
I’m so deep – I can crush arguments with my strength of mind
I’m...
8 tags
A WARNING TO IMMATURE BOYFRIENDS
Tom Burton-Jones would fart in bed
and waft it in his girlfriend’s face
he’d laugh to see her eyes turn red
but this prank is out of place
It’s wrong to make one’s lover cough
when she is trying to nod off
.
Tom Burton-Jones would fart in bed
a most unfriendly thing to do
To cause one’s paramour to dread
a night attack of gaseous poo
It shows a simple lack of grace
His girlfriend...
6 tags
Doris
The pain doesn’t hurt now
No more pills to swallow
No hospital visits or treatments to follow
The nurses aren’t needed
Sleep is uninterrupted
The cells in her body are no longer corrupted
No more surgery, no more fuss
No more physical decline
She is free of her misery
but I’m not free of mine.
The worry is over, though
The stress at her state
As she weakens by the week in a bed,...
7 tags
MODERN SHITERATURE
Save us from the deluge of D list celebrities
haunting us with ghost-hacked autobiographies
In a throwaway society, it’s still the last thing we need:
Books by people who don’t write, for people who don’t read
8 tags
SANTA HATES ME FOR BEING SO POOR
Santa hates me for being so poor
I know for a fact he gives rich kids more
All the things on their lists he manages to get
But he’s never brought me one thing on mine yet
.
He does bring me gifts, it’s not like he forgets
But he ignores my choices because we have debts
If I want something dear he seems to have an aversion
to bringing me it - I get a cheaper version
.
Santa hates me...
7 tags
NINE WORD LOVE STORY
Pitter patter
went my heart.
Didn’t matter;
we’re apart.