Poor Phraser

I hate poems where the title is the same as the first line

I hate poems where the title is the same as the first line

so I am not too keen on this one

I also hate poems which only almost rhyme

so I’m not too happy with this, then

And I hate poems that don’t properly scan

so it is safe to say, beyond all doubt, all things considered, when you think about it, after weighing up the pros and cons, reviewing this piece that I wrote myself, I can honestly admit, I’m not a fan

But what I really hate is poems that try to be funny

but don’t have a very good punchline.

True Americans

I love true Americans.

True Americans love guns.

True Americans buy rifles

for their daughters and their sons.
 

I love true Americans.

They’ll shoot those damn fanatics

who want to bring in gun control

for semi-automatics.

As a true American

I shall keep on spilling blood.

Give up guns to protect our kids?

That’s un-American, Bud.

May the Fourth be with you

Star Wars was my universe

I adored Harrison Ford

But then I put away childish things

when confronted with Jar Jar Binks

and wooden Hayden Christensen

The rerun of the Jedis

made me cry ‘til I had red eyes

where the first three films were bliss

now I had a bad feeling about this

The plots seemed rather shaky

immaculate conception? bad idea

Phantom Menace made me worry

these new films are shit, I fear

and fear leads to anger and anger leads to hate

and the more I saw, the more I swore

these prequels are not great

Star Wars had been my universe

I liked Luke and loved his sister

Chewie made me go all gooey

and we all have a little Alec Guinness in us

But now the original films seemed tainted

by the badly filled gaps of the prequels

by the plot hole traps of the prequels

by the unshakeable crap of the prequels

and I wept for the rape of my childhood

by the one man I trusted, George Lucas

but that was a long time ago

in a galaxy far, far away

and enough par-secs have passed

for me to not give in to the dark side any more.

Besides, Yoda’s selling mobile phones

market forces are strong in this one

so I’ll go back to Tatooine

to the original silver screen

to TIE Fighters wooshing and Peter Cushing

and Docking Bay 94

From Star Wars to Return of the Jedi

I’ll find the droids I was looking for. 

Famous songs, poorly phrased.

Bit of Friday musical fun. Who performed these famous songs? To work them out, read them out loud.

Le tit Bee.

Poe cough ace.

Therm an whose old thwirled.

Kray sea four yew.

Cray seeing lav.

Ike ista gurl.

Fried A Hymen lav.

Smells lie cateens pier it.

Were kisser for let her word. 

Evan nose armies rabble now.

Recalculating recalcitrance

‘Turn right’ said the Sat Nav.

I turned left.

No one tells me what to do.

I’m a rebel.

And I’m lost.

THAT CHER IS DEAD

They’re dancing in the streets in Brixton

Ex-Miners smile and raise a glass

People’s posts determine whether

they were middle/working class

The Daily Mail calls for Sainthood

The Sun on Page 3 still shows tits

to honour the first female PM

a frail old lady in the Ritz

The Argies eye up Las Malvinas

The Falklands folk mourn bitterly

Obituaries list achievements

Comedians comment wittily

Wiki-Youth wonder ‘Who’s this Thatcher?’ 

The 80’s Leftwing celebrate

The death for 30 years they wished for

it shocks to see how much they hate

No compassion, calls of despot

Compared to Pol Pot, Hitler too

Crimes against society rolled out

What’s she ever done to you?

Except The Poll Tax; Privatisation,

selling off the family jewels;

breaking unions; setting banks free

to lead us into debt, the fools;

promoting greed and meritocracy,

the great lie that divides society;

removing rights; selling democracy;

creating a culture of anxiety;

Standing side by side with Pinochet

but calls Mandela terrorist;

The one they called The Iron Lady

ruling with an iron fist

And she took the schoolkids’ milk

And she took the schoolkids’ milk

And she took the schoolkids’ milk

‘Thatcher, Thatcher, Milk Snatcher’

Somewhere out there, there in Texas

sits an ex-Prez, W

wonders if folk hate her that much

George, what will they do when you

shuffle off this mortal coil

they’ll surely dance upon the soil

Daily Hate Mail

‘The Taxpayer’ is paying for these evil lazy slobs

to live their lives on benefits in luxury

That’s what Tories tell us, but these offshore-saving snobs

aren’t paying tax, so who is ‘The Taxpayer’?

Seems it’s me.

Those who search for ugliness see ugliness. Those who don’t, don’t.

In the heart of Amsterdam’s Red Light District, among the windows of women, is a kindergarten. To enter it, the young children have to walk past the scores of whores standing in the windows or sitting on stools, some smoking, some talking on mobile phones, but all of them wearing bikinis to show off their valuable flesh. 

Seeing the kindergarten there, in the reflected glow of the red neon, is an uncomfortable sight. One can only imagine the corrupting influence on these pre-schoolers, to be subjected to the sordidness of sex at such a young age. But that would be to look at this scene through adult eyes. Speak to the children and you will hear a different story. 

We, all of us, make sense of the world based on our sphere of knowledge. If one is an innocent, then one sees the world through innocent eyes. How does a child make sense of  strange women standing in bikinis? The only obvious answer is that these women are waiting for a bus to take them to the beach. Why else would they be there, dressed that way?

And with that, the little dutch kinderen walk into their kindergarten, take off their coats and pick up coloured crayons to draw squiggles of dogs and trees or play with plasticine, giving no more thought to the already forgotten, half-dressed neighbours outside. 

NOT A STRAIGHT A STUDENT

She’s not a straight A student
and I mean that as a compliment
She’s excellent at Sciences
but don’t know who Lord Byron is
or what a semi colon’s for
or how to paint or how to draw
but that’s okay, she needn’t fret
I’ve never met a genius yet
who was good at everything
for genius lies in just one thing

He’s not a straight A student
and I mean that as a compliment
he shines in knowing car mechanics
but give him sums and then he panics
With carburettors, he’s A+
but writing? Bottom of the class
Yet that’s okay, he’s good with cars
he’s found his calling, so who cares
if he cannot compose sonnets
there’s no need to in car bonnets

McCartney writes verse chorus verse
Einstein explains the universe
but ask Einstein to write a song
You’d find the noise would sound all wrong
and it would make Macca quite weary
to get his head around string theory
but in their fields they are exceptional
talent and effort made them phenomenal
Neither of them got straight As
They only focused on the ways
that made them Masters of their trades
They didn’t worry about grades.

Yes, Coach.

‘I believe in you’

Four words

that instil confidence,

prove love,

transmogrify faint hearts.

Sure, it sounds like 

a cheesy line in a sports movie

to buck the losing team

to come back from embarrassing defeat

and grasp victory in the dying, last second

but try saying it in real life

to someone you love

someone who needs to hear it

someone who needs support but thinks they don’t deserve it

or thinks they’d never get it if they asked.

Say ‘I believe in you’ to them

and watch the dawn break across their eyes

fortitude form

self-assurance assert itself. 

Say ‘I believe in you’

and feel the heat of acceptance

boldness beaming

and the apostrophe T drop off the word ‘can’t’

Say ‘I believe in you’

like you are in a cheesy sports movie

say it with conviction

say it with your eyes

say it with your heart

say it to your friend

say it to your child

say it in the mirror.

I believe in you.

Feel that?

Feels good, doesn’t it?

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY

It’s international women’s day

Let’s celebrate the fairer sex

And promise not to dump on those

whose chromosome is X.

It’s international equal pay

It’s education rights for girls

Let’s promise not to joke of rape

Give her a safer world.

It’s international women’s day

Let’s celebrate the female form

and not dictate her clothes or hair

or legislate her womb.

It’s international women’s day

Let’s think of all the ways we can

make every day a March the 8th

Stand by your woman. 

OUT OF TOUCHSCREEN

You walk

with your eyes on the screen

checking messages

reading updates

not wanting to miss anything

not seeing

the life around you

It’s how you play the game

Winners

Fall down

Get up
 

Losers

Feel down

Give up
 

So don’t 

stay down

Look up